First Things First
<INSERT BREASTS HERE>
in a whole lot of new experiences (“firsts") in a real short period of time.
My aim is to make sure that I really pay close attention to the little details and even seemingly insignificant moments that will make up these “firsts” for us in Europe. I want to be able to take away from this trip not just the experience of a (hopefully) cool vacation but also a thoughtful account of the emotions and observations we make of our experiences there. I want to be able to tell my little nephews 40 or 50 years from now in vivid detail how hard we laughed, or how shocked or moved we were, or how stupid we felt when we first saw or heard or tasted, or experienced X…
And speaking of firsts – I thought I’d get this off my chest. Ha! Pun – well… only sort of intended. I had my ‘first’ mammogram today. Here are my exact emotions, words and thoughts on this. WHAT THE F_CK? I’d like to know who exactly invented that contraption and then I’d like to get a couple of 1-ton bricks and smash his (because it could ONLY be a man) member between them continuously while calmly saying “I know it hurts love, just stay completely still, try to relax and do not move a muscle.” Boobs (keep in mind that they ARE attached to a live human being w/ pain sensors) placed in a metal box (they had to upgrade to the jumbo size box for me “just to make sure the whole breast gets in there”) and then flattened into a pancake? Dumbest g-ddam idea anybody ever had. And those rad techs are nothing but sadists with freakishly calm voices and extra-moisturized Jergens commercial hands (best suitable for working with malleable objects).
Okay – ‘nuf said about that.
One other “first” I thought I’d mention while I’m on the subject is that in addition to Europe, I’m also adventuring out to Alaska this year in late June. Alaska! I hear it’s dark there and there are little dudes called “Eskimos” that have bad fashion, and bugs called “no-see-ums” cuz apparently you don’t ‘see um’ but they bite the crap out of you anyway. That’s just rude. I mean – at least have the guts to show your face. Cowards!.
So my dear ol’ Dad and I are headed to a small island off the coast of Sitka, Alaska with no electrixity, no in-door plummin’, and get this? NO WiFi!! Seriously. I’m terrified. My dearest friend, Carolyn, and her husband invited us and will be playing the role of poor (I use the word “poor” because they have no idea about the bitch in me that may rear its ugly head when put into an insanely primitive environment) hosts of this trip. God bless them both. Drake is opting out of this one, as out-houses and gutting fish for a week is so far out of the bounds of her comfort zone that it makes the planet Jupiter look like the guy across the hall. But I’m in. Mainly because I care less about making other people suffer than drake does - and I love a good challenge.
So tune in later next week (we plan on updating our blog about once every few days in Europe) and back in June for more stimulating reading material.
My aim is to make sure that I really pay close attention to the little details and even seemingly insignificant moments that will make up these “firsts” for us in Europe. I want to be able to take away from this trip not just the experience of a (hopefully) cool vacation but also a thoughtful account of the emotions and observations we make of our experiences there. I want to be able to tell my little nephews 40 or 50 years from now in vivid detail how hard we laughed, or how shocked or moved we were, or how stupid we felt when we first saw or heard or tasted, or experienced X…
And speaking of firsts – I thought I’d get this off my chest. Ha! Pun – well… only sort of intended. I had my ‘first’ mammogram today. Here are my exact emotions, words and thoughts on this. WHAT THE F_CK? I’d like to know who exactly invented that contraption and then I’d like to get a couple of 1-ton bricks and smash his (because it could ONLY be a man) member between them continuously while calmly saying “I know it hurts love, just stay completely still, try to relax and do not move a muscle.” Boobs (keep in mind that they ARE attached to a live human being w/ pain sensors) placed in a metal box (they had to upgrade to the jumbo size box for me “just to make sure the whole breast gets in there”) and then flattened into a pancake? Dumbest g-ddam idea anybody ever had. And those rad techs are nothing but sadists with freakishly calm voices and extra-moisturized Jergens commercial hands (best suitable for working with malleable objects).
Okay – ‘nuf said about that.
One other “first” I thought I’d mention while I’m on the subject is that in addition to Europe, I’m also adventuring out to Alaska this year in late June. Alaska! I hear it’s dark there and there are little dudes called “Eskimos” that have bad fashion, and bugs called “no-see-ums” cuz apparently you don’t ‘see um’ but they bite the crap out of you anyway. That’s just rude. I mean – at least have the guts to show your face. Cowards!.
So my dear ol’ Dad and I are headed to a small island off the coast of Sitka, Alaska with no electrixity, no in-door plummin’, and get this? NO WiFi!! Seriously. I’m terrified. My dearest friend, Carolyn, and her husband invited us and will be playing the role of poor (I use the word “poor” because they have no idea about the bitch in me that may rear its ugly head when put into an insanely primitive environment) hosts of this trip. God bless them both. Drake is opting out of this one, as out-houses and gutting fish for a week is so far out of the bounds of her comfort zone that it makes the planet Jupiter look like the guy across the hall. But I’m in. Mainly because I care less about making other people suffer than drake does - and I love a good challenge.
So tune in later next week (we plan on updating our blog about once every few days in Europe) and back in June for more stimulating reading material.
posted by E-Rae | 1:52 PM
1 Comments:
Sounds like a typical date w/ my breast pump
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