Destination # 11 - Utah
Let me preface this by saying that one of the many valuable things that my mother taught me in life was that "if I didn't have anything nice to say then to not say anything at all." I can't honestly say that I have conducted my life in a manner always remaining true to these words; no... I can't say that AT ALL, actually, but in the back of my brain where my conscience lies, there's a little nagging angel whining the words of my mother "if you don't have anything nice to say then well then just don't say it at all!". WHATEVER! I tell you this anecdote, kind reader, as a poorly attempted excuse as to why I am not including hardly any information (no research, no
legitimately tried or consumed recipes) about Utah here. Because at the ripe age of 38, I have decided once and for all to heed my mother's advice and just shut the hell up. Well... mostly. Oh hell, I'm gonna TRY!
Here's what I know about Utah: MORMONS! Mormon things. Mormon $$, Mormon politics, Mormon frocks, magic Mormon underwear, and a man named Joseph Smith who found some killer antique gold plated dishware in the desert and decided that those plates were a sign from God to have sex with multiple women and take them under slave-like conditions as "celestial" wives. In the name of Jesus and the Holy Prophet, Amen! And now the Mormons are running for President of the U.S. of A! AWESOME! JUST AWESOME!
Apparently Pastrami Burgers are big hit items in Mormonville...um... I mean, Utah. Burgers cooked like any other burger and then topped with a heap of Pastrami, Swiss Cheese and Thousand Island dressing and dressed up appropriately so in a sesame seed bun (the recipe didn't mention anything about dressing up the burger in magic burger underwear so I think it was safe for heathens like us to cook and eat as well). When Drake suggested this recipe I thought to myself, "well hot damn! Something from Utah that I actually might like!" Burgers = GOOD! Pastrami = GOOD! Cheese = GOOD! Thousand Island = GOOD, non-holy Buns = EXCELLENT! A plan was hatched, the BBQ was lit and we were on our way to a blessed Mormon (shit! I mean Utah) super. Now, allow me to boast for a second here if you will, but I am a RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME Grill-Master-Baker. Seriously. I've worked hard to hone my skills at the BBQ and I take pride in perfectly cooked meats and other grilled things. So... I preheated my grill nice and hot only to come back after 20 minutes and find that it was not, in fact, nice and hot, as intended. So we switched out the propane tank thinking that it was just running low, cranked it back to high and gave it another 15 minutes. Still not very hot but I could work with this. Or so I thought. I was wrong. THOSE GOD DAMN MORMON BURGERS BROKE MY FRICKIN' GRILL! I swear it! I swear it on the Prophet and Celestial Marriage and on Gold Plated Dishware! I swear it! Those sad little burgers literally baked (slowly) on that grill for 30 minutes until I finally threw in the towel and fed them to our pet lion. Well... I don't really have a pet lion but if I did, I would have fed him the Mormon burgers because I don't think lions are all that bigoted or picky. Anyway... we took the Pastrami off and made Ruebens which were quite good but not at all associated with Utah so I'm not going to tell you how we made them here.
HERE is a link to the recipe we were ATTEMPTING to make if you'd like to try it.
I guess I failed (once again) at keeping my mouth shut re: mean things about certain religions or practices but I shall try this again in another 10 years when I'm more mature. If it makes any difference, I have ALWAYS strictly adhered to my mother's sound advice about using the proper glassware for the appropriate beverage. So at least the really important advice has stuck.
In the name of the Holy Prophet and Magic Underwear. Amen and good night!
legitimately tried or consumed recipes) about Utah here. Because at the ripe age of 38, I have decided once and for all to heed my mother's advice and just shut the hell up. Well... mostly. Oh hell, I'm gonna TRY!
Here's what I know about Utah: MORMONS! Mormon things. Mormon $$, Mormon politics, Mormon frocks, magic Mormon underwear, and a man named Joseph Smith who found some killer antique gold plated dishware in the desert and decided that those plates were a sign from God to have sex with multiple women and take them under slave-like conditions as "celestial" wives. In the name of Jesus and the Holy Prophet, Amen! And now the Mormons are running for President of the U.S. of A! AWESOME! JUST AWESOME!
Apparently Pastrami Burgers are big hit items in Mormonville...um... I mean, Utah. Burgers cooked like any other burger and then topped with a heap of Pastrami, Swiss Cheese and Thousand Island dressing and dressed up appropriately so in a sesame seed bun (the recipe didn't mention anything about dressing up the burger in magic burger underwear so I think it was safe for heathens like us to cook and eat as well). When Drake suggested this recipe I thought to myself, "well hot damn! Something from Utah that I actually might like!" Burgers = GOOD! Pastrami = GOOD! Cheese = GOOD! Thousand Island = GOOD, non-holy Buns = EXCELLENT! A plan was hatched, the BBQ was lit and we were on our way to a blessed Mormon (shit! I mean Utah) super. Now, allow me to boast for a second here if you will, but I am a RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME Grill-Master-Baker. Seriously. I've worked hard to hone my skills at the BBQ and I take pride in perfectly cooked meats and other grilled things. So... I preheated my grill nice and hot only to come back after 20 minutes and find that it was not, in fact, nice and hot, as intended. So we switched out the propane tank thinking that it was just running low, cranked it back to high and gave it another 15 minutes. Still not very hot but I could work with this. Or so I thought. I was wrong. THOSE GOD DAMN MORMON BURGERS BROKE MY FRICKIN' GRILL! I swear it! I swear it on the Prophet and Celestial Marriage and on Gold Plated Dishware! I swear it! Those sad little burgers literally baked (slowly) on that grill for 30 minutes until I finally threw in the towel and fed them to our pet lion. Well... I don't really have a pet lion but if I did, I would have fed him the Mormon burgers because I don't think lions are all that bigoted or picky. Anyway... we took the Pastrami off and made Ruebens which were quite good but not at all associated with Utah so I'm not going to tell you how we made them here.
HERE is a link to the recipe we were ATTEMPTING to make if you'd like to try it.
I guess I failed (once again) at keeping my mouth shut re: mean things about certain religions or practices but I shall try this again in another 10 years when I'm more mature. If it makes any difference, I have ALWAYS strictly adhered to my mother's sound advice about using the proper glassware for the appropriate beverage. So at least the really important advice has stuck.
In the name of the Holy Prophet and Magic Underwear. Amen and good night!
posted by E-Rae | 4:18 PM
3 Comments:
Well, if you decide to try Mormonvil... er, I mean Utah again, you can always try Funeral Potatoes. Doesn't that sound appetizing?
Hey!! I've seen the recipe for Funeral Potatoes and they look mighty fine. I've actually BEEN to Utah, as I was born there, and the only thing I can say about it is that it is a nice place to visit ....and an even nice place to leave. I mean, do you know how ridiculously difficult life is w/o a Starbucks on every corner? And I don't think I saw ONE liquor store. Not that life is all about coffee and/or booze, but it certainly makes my world go 'round.
I think that your grill broke because you said the word "Mormon" one too many times! I'm sorry your pastrami burger didn't work out, but I am glad you got Utah off the checklist. I know you were dreading it.
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